10 rules for managing your penis

In light of the "cock au vin" story, here is my guide to what not to do with your penis.
1) Do not involve your penis in sexting if you are public figure with a penchant for extramarital affairs. Pictures of the engorged members of members of parliament will leak. Look at Peter Dowling, the Queensland politician who dunked his in a glass of wine. This is a terrible waste of wine. What's more it was red, so it must have looked as if there'd been some sort of accident. I guess white wine may resemble formaldehyde. Either way, it's not a good look. As Anthony Weiner found, sexting is best left to teenagers, who at least know what Snapchat is. Clearly the female "gaze" has changed and some women like this sort of thing. Why say it with flowers when you can say it with a quick shot of your erection under the desk? Romance is not dead.
2) Do not neglect your penis. I am talking hygiene. Women are subjected to pharmacy aisles full of fresheners, wipes and sprays that encourage us to believe that without them our genital area is just a smelly, slimy mess, but there is no equivalent for men. Surely there is a gap in the market for products to encourage men to stay boxfresh under their boxers. And if they must encase themselves so prominently in Lycra and skinny jeans in this weather … something has to be done. Urgently.

3) Do not stick your penis into household objects. However tempting. Since the fire brigade has had to warn men not to put their genitals in a toaster, we are reminded of all the A&E stories of the many men who get their tackle trapped in everything from radiators to vacuum cleaners. Often it appears they are doing a normal household task and just fall right into a voracious domestic appliance. As a woman I didn't realise so many everyday objects were penis traps waiting to lure their prey. Now that I have been enlightened, I sympathise.
4) Do not use your penis to urinate all over the place in public. Why on earth is this acceptable? I am no prude but often when I am walking home I see guys staggering about peeing randomly into gardens, bus stops, doorways. It is smelly, horrible and antisocial. If you really haven't been toilet-trained by the time you are 18, don't leave the house.
5) Do not ever put your penis into someone who does not want this. Do not ever fool yourself that they really do. Even if they are drunk. Or you are married to them. This is rape. It is not difficult to know the difference between someone who is consenting to penetration and someone who isn't. There is never any excuse. Ever.
6) Do not name your penis. This may be just my view and, of course, mutually consenting adults may name each other's hoo-has whatever they like. Poor Justin Bieber's penis has been named "Jerry" by his fans. Message boards are full of young women and men with naming problems. "My boyfriend wants me to call his penis Cockosaurus Rex," for example. Young men advise others on their "weapons of mass destruction". This may float your boat. You may feel that describing your penis as Beefy McManstick or Blue-veined Jack Hammer or The Pink Oboe will add to your incredible sex life and who I am to say otherwise? Well, I am me and I say otherwise.
7) Do not derive pleasure from your penis with other men. In several countries attitudes to homosexuality are hardening and the focus is usually on gay men. In 38 African countries homosexuality is illegal. Robert Mugabe has described gay people as "worse than pigs". The situation in Russia is dire, with Vladimir Putin pushing forward anti-gay legislation and neo-Nazis beating and even killing gay people. This is why Stephen Fry is rightly calling for Russia to be stripped of the 2014 Winter Olympics.
8) Do not try to pierce your own penis. I have seen men do amazing things with their "love torpedoes" but they were sadhus in India who engage in acts of extreme self-mutilation to suppress desires; lifting rocks with their genitals or hanging heavy padlocks from them. They are dedicated to Lord Shiva. Unfortunately, nearer home I took my children and some friends' children to an alternative cabaret that involved similar stuff, not realising quite how alternative it was all going to be. Suffice to say these people are no longer my friends … All I am saying is: do what thou wilt to your manhood, but safely. Piercing risks HIV, hepatitis B and C if not done properly.
9) Do not try to make your penis bigger by buying Bazooka Pills or other rubbish offered online. Penile implants can wreck lives. Lengthening surgery, if you really want to know, means "severing the suspensory ligament that holds the penile shaft inside the body". Girth can added by attaching tissue sheets of AlloDerm. What is AlloDerm? "It is cadaver skin that has cells removed, leaving simply collagen". Nice.
10) Do not mistake your penis for your brain. The silly idea that men possess wicked willies and can't help acting on impulse is surely rather insulting? If Freud is right and all women suffer from penis envy then all I can say is if I had one I would love, cherish it and put it only where desired. Is that so much to ask?